The Positive Negative
Mayhem -
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three years now. I must have spent a few hundred dollars on pregnancy tests. My body hasn't been very "predictable" since I quit taking birth control three years ago, so I have to keep testing before I take different medications and do things to correct this unpredictable behavior. And while I know the result I'm about to get will most likely be a negative one, and I prepare myself for that result, I still feel like I got kicked in the gut when the control line pops up and the positive result never appears.
I got kicked in the gut again last night.
So I laid down to sleep, praying and crying - mostly crying - and tried to have faith to see the bigger picture. I've been doing this for three years also. For the first year, it was a good thing I wasn't pregnant because I didn't have insurance. I worked at a private school, and it wasn't provided for me. Then the second year, we moved while my husband was completing school and we were living off of my income-which wouldn't have been enough, but I was trusting that God would provide by the time a baby came. But this year - this was supposed to be the time. I wanted to be pregnant before I turned thirty, which will happen in about three weeks.
I can usually be a lemons to lemonade kinda girl. But too much lemonade will still rot your teeth and burn your stomach. There are still positive reasons why God might be waiting to bless us with a child. My husband is ready to go further in graduate school, which means another job or life change for us. We will have time to prepare financially. And I can take some big steps to get my body ready to house a baby. Let's face it. I'm not in great shape, and I whine about it more than I do anything constructive about it.
Still, won't somebody please cut down the lemon tree?
Music -
"Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow.
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, when I walk in the wilderness.
Blessed be Your name." - Matt Redman
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three years now. I must have spent a few hundred dollars on pregnancy tests. My body hasn't been very "predictable" since I quit taking birth control three years ago, so I have to keep testing before I take different medications and do things to correct this unpredictable behavior. And while I know the result I'm about to get will most likely be a negative one, and I prepare myself for that result, I still feel like I got kicked in the gut when the control line pops up and the positive result never appears.
I got kicked in the gut again last night.
So I laid down to sleep, praying and crying - mostly crying - and tried to have faith to see the bigger picture. I've been doing this for three years also. For the first year, it was a good thing I wasn't pregnant because I didn't have insurance. I worked at a private school, and it wasn't provided for me. Then the second year, we moved while my husband was completing school and we were living off of my income-which wouldn't have been enough, but I was trusting that God would provide by the time a baby came. But this year - this was supposed to be the time. I wanted to be pregnant before I turned thirty, which will happen in about three weeks.
I can usually be a lemons to lemonade kinda girl. But too much lemonade will still rot your teeth and burn your stomach. There are still positive reasons why God might be waiting to bless us with a child. My husband is ready to go further in graduate school, which means another job or life change for us. We will have time to prepare financially. And I can take some big steps to get my body ready to house a baby. Let's face it. I'm not in great shape, and I whine about it more than I do anything constructive about it.
Still, won't somebody please cut down the lemon tree?
Music -
"Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow.
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, when I walk in the wilderness.
Blessed be Your name." - Matt Redman
posted by Joanna | 11:03 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home