What's bugging you?

I'm paralyzed lately by this crazy need to make an itinerary before I do anything. In school, before I studied, I had to have my room clean. And before going on a trip, I have always made a list of the clothes I might want to take. But I mean, lately, it's been borderline obsessive-compulsive. I make schedules for the day in ten minute increments. I make a menu of what I will eat for the day and how each meal breaks down in servings of protein, carbs, dairy, etc. I flip to my day planner every few minutes or so as though I'm about to miss some important meeting or task.

I have read that people deal with interruptions in their lives in one of three ways: they super-organize; they let things lapse and get really chaotic and messy; they roll with it without getting too flustered. Guess which one I am.

But the list making, which is supposed to keep me on task and aware of things I should be doing, is actually getting in the way of my productivity. I curl up behind some scrap piece of paper and dream of how the day ought to go. I make budgets for our home expenditures on a daily basis because there's always something we forgot to account for, or something that costs more than we expected, or I was too optimistic in how we'd spend our gas money. (Ha!)

So what do you do? How do you cope with the unexpected? I don't really live according to my schedule or budget. But I am compelled to keep making them. Why!!!

That's just something that's bugging me lately.

Songs in the stillness. . .

I didn't have the time, but I took the time this week to "Be still and know that [He] is God."

I'm fully aware that there is more to this verse, about God making Himself known among the nations. I'm not so vain or ingnorant to read the Bible like a high school yearbook - only interested in the pages that make me look good.

Anyway, I regularly read through a book of the Bible. But on this particular morning, I was drawn away. My favorite verse has always been Psalm 63:3. "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you." My friend Dawn (pickinguppebbles.blogspot.com) and I used to sing in a traveling ensemble. And our prayer before performances was, "Lord, if we start singing for our own glory and forget about yours, make us mute." Funny how He answered that prayer sometimes.

Yesterday morning was a day for being mute, just listening to what God the Father had to say.

I've gotten that kicked in the gut feeling again. (cf "The Positive Negative") I'm now at 60 days and counting in this cycle. Other than on my birthday, I haven't really let myself "feel" all the disappointment this long wait and the negative pregnancy test results mean for me. I guess that's why I felt like being quiet. But in that stillness, God spoke. I wrote in my journal as fast as I heard. It's kind of a weird thing. I'm not thinking up the words. But they come. And because I don't believe life happens in a vacuum, you may need to hear the words He said to me.

"Joanna, look at these blank pages flipping under the breath of the fan. To you they are unwritten. And yet, when I delay in answering your prayer for a child, you presume to fill in the lines with a disappointing story. But you don't know the ending. It is, from your perspective, unwritten. Haven't you sung the words - "I knew you before you were born. And your days are in my hands. And a future you cannot conceive. Don't be anxious. Just believe." Am I not that same God, the same Father who knows your times and seasons, who sees when you sit and rise? Where can you go from my Spirit? Where can you flee that my hand can't find you? Believe."

[to what my rediculous response was - believe what?]

"In me! Trust me! Children are a gift from the Lord. There are a million little complicated things that must happen for a child to be conceived."

[But what about unwed mothers and teens who don't want or need to have a child...but you give them one anyway... (translation- that's unfair!)]

"What did I tell Peter about John [see John 21] - Let me worry about what I'm doing and why. Your job is to trust. Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness. Do the good you know you ought to do. [That means preparing physically, financially, spiritually, and mentally for bearing and rearing a child.] That's part of the believing. It's faith. And it's the wisdom you've also prayed for."

After that prayer, I worshipped and prayed and claimed the following scripture.

May God be gracious to us and bless us;

Look on us with favor, so that Your way may be known on earth,

Your salvation among the nations. . .

The earth has produced its harvest;

God, our God, blesses us.

God will bless us, and all the ends of the earth will fear Him.

Psalm 67: 1-2, 6-7

God bless all of you who are walking on this path with me.

For more, listen to the song "Just Believe" at www.cdbaby.com (Artist Search, Joanna Miley)